Where do we begin with a car that was the boyhood dream of a madman genius and potential bond villain. The Model S experience is like Zeus and Storm doing tentakle erotika with elektrik eels . What’s my safety word again bae — ちくしょう (chikushō)? Darth Sidious did blow off the dashboard on the test drive. That is how krazy this bitch got, and the moment you step in…the moment you get out the experience is surreal. I asked myself — Wow did that just happen? This car is pure nasty evil…But all in a good way. Now obey yo sensei and hold on to your katana. This is Blvk mah fuking Tokyo Item 0002 .
The night before the Tesla dojo, I was bubbling with excitement as if going on a date with my krush. Butterflies, daydreams…and a feeling I was going to spend a lot of money. But this time I would not to be disappointed… she delivered all the way, and was a complete lady about it. No daddy issues here! I am the daddy now, muahahahahah. But note to the wise, you totally need sugar daddy money to even consider driving this bitch. Price tag on a basic new model starts north of $90,000. You might need to Netflix and chill for a while…avoid going to Starbucks also.
Sorry to bring that bit of bad news, we all struggling…I knoeeee. We should not have bought those Canucks tikets! We should kut bak on Kashmere underwear…We should lower tuition 今 (now!). But if Mercedes, Aston Martin and Apple were all doing a paternity test on the Maury show. You know the child support would be fuking ridiculous…so what do you expect? Those are some top brands, and that is exactly what the Tesla Model S feels like. A krazy love child, with the best part of every parent, all sexed up into one beautiful — babi giiirrrll…(your ol’ girlll).
My homie Kilu even said the same thang. It had the body of a Aston Martin, the precision and poise of a Mercedes E Class, and a giant iPAD that screams donde esta Cupertino? But having them all in one place, makes things feel a bit familiahh (Ty Dolla $ign voice plis)…but also very foreign at the same time. A bad bishhh kost, but she worth every cent = so if you listen to your ol’ girl Sokrates maybe he can convince you on making this insane purchase. First things first, there is absolutely no gas you have to worry about. NONE…ZILCH….NADA…hasta la vista. Apparently the government also gives you like $5,000 kash incentive or something like that. But that’s not even going to put a dent, because the upgrade rims cost like around that much.
Asides from the look and the neat features, this car is actually really fun to drive. All the other stuff is the noise. But I do admit some of the stuff is pretty kool. Shout out to the stylish key that looks like a mini car, and it’s going to impress a few people when you whip it out. Beep…beep, pull up the skiiirrr get in maah rydeee. When you sit in the cock pit, it’s a bit kramp for a tall guy. But the first thing you notice is the dope panoramic view. It gives you the perfect view to take out some TIE fighters, fuking millenium falcon esq. But will it fit Chewie…that’s a huge ?!??! mark…but fuck Chewie, because we on some Vader shit. You turn on the car, and you feel disoriented. That is exactly when this thing doesn’t feel like anything else you drove before. So I hit the pedals… and the acceleration is a krisp humm of dreams and cartoon excitement.
You have to pinch yourself that you are driving a car unlike anything else you have driven before. It is just as good as advertised, if not better. But Tesla has a reputation for not spending unnecessary dollars on commercials and ads. It’s more of a word of mouth. You need to drive this fuking car statements — you might of heard of them in the office, or at a restaurant…OR in the bedroom from your woe. She knows what sup, and if she doesn’t, she needs to start dating Kustom. Muahahahha, you start to feel like you are better than everyone else, real Elon Musk style. Bahaha puny mortals…and their gas powered rust buckets. I am driving a space ship, a fuking Space SHIPPP!!! That was what my mind was saying to my ego…I am faster…stronger…bettahh and smartahhh.
The model we took out was just the Tesla Model S 70D. I could not bring myself to driving the hotter Model S 85D performance, because I didn’t bring enough underwear or manhood at 10am on a Saturday. Plus I am pretty sure I would have exploded out of the parkade and hit a pedestrian. Disclaimer — (despite looking like Lewis Hamilton, we share nothing in common except for our taste in Pussy Kat Dolls).
So enough I am not going to tease you any more. I am going to explain the SOUND SYSTEM and wrap up this Kandy Space Review. The car we were in had the sound upgrade to the beast mode, so it sounded pretty damn krisp. But we didn’t have the sound kloud to Bryson Tiller’s “Don’t”… so I am a bit biased on how good it actually was. Let’s leave that at an 9/10 geisha for now. I wish I could get into more details about this thing. But this article is getting to be a bitch to write, and I am tres lazy in fleshing this out any further. I thought the car was a beast, definitely blvktokyo upper echelon worthy. Drive = 9, Features = 10, Price = 6 Gas = 0 Kool = 10….and the most important. Lady Factor = 10 …. girls love the environment brah brah. But in all honesty I think you should book a test drive for yourself and break your piggy bank.